The Master Cleanse Site

You may’ve noticed, my diet of Mt. Dew, cheese and dip is not what some would call healthy.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ll have a “green” every now and then…but I am far from a health nut. With the upcoming wedding, I’ve been doing better, but I could definitely use a boot in the ass. Perhaps a lemonade flavored boot?

My 3 -5 day measurable project is the Master Cleanse because I know quite a few people who tried it and liked it. Also, they didn’t die. I’ve always been curious and figure there’s no better time than now. I did some online research yesterday and was giddy by bedtime…though the constant suggestion to have ‘lots of toilet paper on hand’ and “possibly adult diapers” was rather frightening. Oh, and it literally said, “don’t ever fart during this process. It’s probably not a fart.”

I guess now is the time I should warn you, I will be guilty of a TMI occasionally, depending on how much you like fecal talk. (If ‘fecal smurf’ even shows up on our search terms, I quit).

This particular website also informed me that lots of celebs swear by this method. Plus Jesus! And if Jesus could do it, clearly I can too.

Basically it’s this: lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper. You have to drink at least six glasses a day…and nothing else. Sounds gross, but isn’t too shabby. What is shabby (and by shabby, I mean effing disgusting) is the Salt Water Flush. We’ll get to that later.

So I woke up this morning and headed to the grocery. As I shopped, all the poop literature/warnings I had read kept going through my head…eventually, these thoughts were flooded with scenes from movies that put a visual to what might occur. Dumb and Dumber and Trainspotting motivated me to visit the TP aisle for weapons.  I was relieved to see the Dominicks by our new place has self checkout. 7 lemons, maple syrup, sea salt, cayenne pepper, 8 rolls of toilet paper and a toilet wand was not a cart I was proud to push.

Ok, so it was time for step one….the Salt Water Flush.  Simply dissolve 1 tsp of Sea Salt into a quart of water and chug. Easy enough, right? Maybe if your name is Madison and you’re a mermaid. At first swallow, it felt like warm snot trickling down my throat. I’ve never chugged a quart of anything…and for good reason. When I was finally done, I keeled over on the couch. This was not going well.

For the next hour or so, I was skipping to the loo. Let’s leave it at that.

I was going to write about the actual lemonade part…but I’m nodding off.

I realized halfway through the day, this is the ‘no caffeine week’ on ‘roids. And that’s not a good thing.

more tomorrow….

b.