The Master Cleanse Site

Being on the Master Cleanse is  nothing like you think it is. It’s better and worse. You realise just how many people are trying to get you to buy shit you shouldn’t eat on TV. You switch it off. Then you recognise how many times you talk yourself into eating food you don’t need. That’s not so easy to turn off.

But there’s unexpected fun. Like the Salt Water Flush. It’s not for the squeamish. Before I tried it I didn’t really appreaciate the meaning of ‘flush’. I chugged my one litre of salt water and waited. Then it clicked. Flush…

The random pics in this entry aren’t so random, I took them some of my the walks I frantically find myself doing since the cleanse. More on that later.

Before I started I had to make sure I got the elements right. The ironic thing about Korea is everyone is so thin but as soon as you develop special dietary needs you realise just how many times you’re offered food, agressively. Last week I tried to clean up my system after the rock festival but it was impossible doing that while I still had to go to school. Because it’s officially vacation the few teachers who were working in the office made sure to order the partyjunky food. They tossed out the regular rice,  kimchi and sensible side dishes in favour of black sauce noodles, fried pork, udon, and many others that I love way too much but am aware we’re not friends. I must have said no five times. But of course they thought I was being coy. I tried the magic word, ‘di-e-teh,’ which normally works.  How they laughed. The head teacher was all, ‘Man dieteh no.’ And he thought he was being funny when he grabbed his tummy to show me just how much I have to go before I can call myself a man.

So this Monday I was prepared to be as offensive as possible because I needed to get ready for Master Cleanse. Fortunately, the head teacher wasn’t there to do what he thinks is cajoling me into eating. Instead it was the vice principal and a bunch of other teachers who blushed when they had to ask me for my passport. (I sorted out the blushers but saying noand looking away immediately, they’re not gonna yell and bring me back to the table, are they?)

 I love the VP. He’s like a distant father. When I said, ‘dieteh’ he smiled and nodded ‘yeh’. The principal was there too, he’s a fattist but also a jolly grandfather type with jokes for every situation. Diets are his favourite thing. After tending the flowers and greeting the kids with his booming voice in the morning, he normally shuts his foundation caked face in his tropical garden themed office and only comes out to eat once in a while. When he eats lunch with us, like, once a week, it’s an event led by his throaty voice and jokes that include calling me ‘Lebanon.’  He’s major fierce.

With nothing stopping me I bought the supplies. And started on Wednesday. The lemonade tastes good. Some people complain about the cayenne pepper. But I enjoy it. Then again I think nothing of the salt water flush. I haven’t had any  hunger pangs yet. On the first day it was as if nothing was happening. Yesterday was good too. Except I started spouting off hallucinatory philosophies like, ‘Food can’t talk.’ Generally, I feel calm, which is the main reason I went on this thing. I felt so restless and bloated and wanted to be cleaned out somehow. And nothing cleans you out quite like this, especially the salt water flush. Sorry, I’m obsessed.

I’ve been going on a lot of walks. I don’t know why. But I just feel like leaving the house and walking by the river or exploring my town and its people.

I’m not sure I’ll do that tonight. I worked out yesterday, nothing major. It’s just that when I realised I would probably lose weight faster than I normally do on with my excercise and food, I was immediately scared of getting droopy. So I’m trying to keep the essential parts of my regular work out, except I was able to do ten push-ups only for the second time in my life yesterday. That was probably too much because this morning I woke up with the desire to sleep forever. I’m better now but I think it has to do with the food nightmare I just had.

I tried to read a silly book I got from the library for distraction but I couldn’t keep fighting the rigor motis of major exhaustion. I had the weirdest dream. I was flying to my house from school. (That’s not the weird part, I have flying dreams all the time). Then I got into my apartment and felt I was suddenly the consistency of a ghost. Somehow I pulled a cake from an internet page. Chocolate. And without really making the decision to eat it I had already finished it. Then I realised I was on the Master Clease. How I freaked out. Thankfully my phone rang and saved me from in-nightmare suicide. Funny thing is I haven’t even had cake in eight months probably. It’s nothing I think about.

I’m not craving anything now. And the nightmare of eating something to threaten the cleanse without thinking has me wide awake. I think it was probably brought on by the food lesson I had with the kids today. There was so much bread and chocolate. The only thing I wanted though, was a tuna and egg salad one of the kids brought.

FTW!