The Master Cleanse Site

Oh my god I am going to throw up. I am going to puke so bad all over. This is supposed to come out my ass in a little bit? No, it is really about to come out my mouth.

Um, hi. I’m Melissa. Today is my first day on the Master Cleanse.  Apparently, the first thing you do to masterfully cleanse yourself is drink a QUART of lukewarm water with two teaspoons of sea salt. Well it’s disgusting. It’s especially disgusting if you accidentally drink almost half of it before realizing you put two TABLEspoons of sea salt in. Not that I did that. Ahem. But I am going to puke.

Why am I doing this?

…

Oh, you thought that was going to be one of those questions that I was asking as though YOU were asking and then I answer? No. I’m really asking.

[Please Pause for 10 Minutes]

Well. Now some of it did make it out my ass, but I definitely still think I’m gonna vom. I think I’ll chalk it up to the extra salt. Because if I am going to feel like this every morning for the next ten days then fuuuuuuck it. You know?

So. What do I have to look forward to today? Drinking the scary lemonade mixture and not eating food. Oh god. Seriously. I guess maybe I should try to put into words why I’m doing this.

See. I tend to abuse my body pretty routinely. Alcohol, cigarettes, fast food, unnecessary Benadryl. You know. None of the heavy-weights, but enough bullshit where sometimes I wonder what my body is really supposed to feel like. And because I’m not really one for taking gradual, deliberate steps toward improving my overall health and well being (blahhhhhhhh), I figure a big fat extreme detoxification diet is the way to go. Plus, I’m not working right now. So I have lots of time to sit on the toilet and think about how great I feel.

Stay tuned for misery, despair, and of course, internal cleansing.